Most people know Endsville merely as being the Serial Killer capital of America, and while we vehemently dispute that fact, we are forced to admit that while we do have the highest number of convicted murderers per person of anywhere in the country, in fact the world, that's not the only thing you should know us for.
| 6,000 BC | ... | Evidence of human habitation in the area one day to be called Endsville area. Such artifacts include rocks, pestles and crushed skulls. |
| 1745 A.D. | Clayton Yaseen, a trader, gunsmith and alleged cannibal, settles a town near the Hudson River at Elbow Creek. | |
| 1749 | On August 3rd, Captain Christophe Claude Brave Farber buries a lead plate south of Elbow Creek at a place known as The Violet Toupee Rock, officially claiming France's right to the region. | |
| 1753 | On December 4th, George Washington passes through the town to deliver a message ordering the French out of our country. | |
| 1760 | Fort Mediocore is built by British. It is attacked and destroyed by Indians later that year. | |
| 1783 | The State Commission declares that all land in the area shall be parcelled out by lottery according to height. | |
| 1784 | Two rival bootleggers, Walter Norkin and J. Elmer Endsvile, argue over one remaining piece of land. To settle the dispute they decide to duel. Norkin is killed when Endsvile shoots him in the back of the head at 8 paces. Endsvile is awarded the remaining parcel of land. | |
| 1795 | The town is officially named after Endsvile. | |
| 1796 | The town adds an extra "L" to their name after being the butt of jokes at the state meetings. The town is officially named Endsville. | |
| 1818 | J. Elmer Endsvile dies in a domestic dispute with his married girlfriend. His estate has been used as the town jail since. | |
| 1859 | Local resident named Donna Jeffreys starts selling her brand of homemade lard, "White Gold," which catches on throughout the U.S. | |
| 1863 | John Wilkes Booth performs in a touring production of "The Marble Heart." The performance earns rave reviews except for one local Endsville critic, Lincoln Abrams, who claims that J. Wilkes "can't fill the acting boots of his father Junius." Booth vows revenge. | |
| 1868 | The First Bank of Mary Mother of Jesus is erected. | |
| 1869-96 | The current Courthouse building is built. | |
| 1869 | The Presbyterian Church is dedicated, located at the corner of Moose and Squirrel streets. | |
| 1871 | President Ulysses S. Grant visits Endsville. Thousands of area residents turned out, and the event is marked with a parade, speeches, a reception and a minor assassination attempt. | |
| 1872 | Donna Jeffrey's House of Lard established. Soon to become the largest lard producing refinery in the world. | |
| 1877 | Street paving begins. | |
| 1878 | Street paving halts. | |
| 1878 | The Endsville Bugle newspaper is first published. | |
| 1879 | Endsville declared the Lard Capital of America by Scientific American Magazine, "With 17 Lard factories in its city limits the air is always thick with the smell of animal fat -- and success." | |
| 1880 | Law passed that cattle can not be permitted to run at large in the city. | |
| 1883 | Western Union District & Printing Telegraph builds a toll line to Endsville. | |
| 1884 | Town slogan, "All's Well in Endsville" is first coined. | |
| 1886 | The Endsville Opera House is opened and plays host to a total of 5 operas before being bought out and turned into a brothel. | |
| 1891 | Oren Munro-Uziel, a prominent Endsville lawyer, is appointed to fill a vacancy on the Supreme Court for New York. | |
| 1892 | Munro-Uziel dies of dysentery. | |
| 1893 | The New York Highlanders baseballing club opens their season in Endsville, defeating the Endsville Eaglets team 3-0. | |
| 1895 | Endsville's Centennial celebrated. Shawn Chudnoff, ace reporter for The ENDSVILLE BUGLE, reports on September 5, 1895, "Since lard became the primary commerce the sleepy old borough has been transformed into one of the prettiest cities in the land, with now about 7,000 population, and with more wealth per capita than any of its rivals". All is truly well in Endsville! | |
| 1900 | Endsville experiences a slight recession as the lard factories lose much of their shipping records due to an unfortunate difficulty in their machines recognizing the change of the Century. | |
| 1900 | Official population of Endsville swells to 7,317. | |
| 1903 | The Endsville Athletic Team, a professional footballing club finishes fourth in the New York State Championship at Ebbets Field in New York City. | |
| 1914 | Local Endsville resident Robert L. Kravitz a notable gambler is the first person to die in the Great War when he is shot 42 times by "Friendly Fire" during basic training. | |
| 1917 | Largest high school graduating class to date: 70 students. | |
| 1917 | On September 17th, an 8-hour workday began at Donna Jeffrey's lard factory. | |
| 1920 | Official population is at 10,000. | |
| 1922 | The Drought of 1923 cripples the City. | |
| 1926 | The Famous Unswayable Bridge is built by Paul Hubrise. | |
| 1927 | Babe Ruth is arrested at local brothel. He is released after signing autographs. | |
| 1931 | The Unswayable Bridge is swept away by ice. | |
| 1932 | Endsville is served by 4 railroads, 15 manufacturing companies, 29 retail stores, 26 restaurants, 3 banks, 3 hotels, one high school, 3 elementary schools, 1200 elementary students, 324 high school students, 40 elementary teachers, 21 high school teachers, 11 churches, 9 Lard Factories, 26 clubs for social, voice, literary, and musical interests. | |
| 1936 | First Airport is built and named after Amelia Earhart. | |
| 1938 | Lawrence Welk's orchestra play for the Endsville Prom. | |
| 1939 | Airmail pickup service is started. | |
| 1941 | World War begins. Endsville proudly sends 40 brave men to serve. | |
| 1943 | The first kindergarten opens. | |
| 1945 | Endsville's population reaches 12,000. The last of the 40 brave residents to fight in WWII is killed in Okinawa, Japan. Endsville is the only U.S. city to lose all of its soldiers. | |
| 1946 | Matthew Koss, a local school teacher, is arrested for jaywalking. Upon searching Koss' home they make a gruesome discovery. The bodies of 27 Eskimos are discovered in the crawlspace of Koss' attic. The famed Eskimo Exterminator is finally jailed. | |
| 1949 | On October 3rd, the first American Airliner landed at Earhart Airport. | |
| 1951 | Billy Graham makes an appearance at the Pig Bowl, after the high school football championship. He spawns a rebirth in religious fervor. | |
| 1955 | McDonald's First Restaurant opens in Des Plaines, IL. Endsville rejects having the first such establishment built here, because they already had "Lou's Hamburger Palace." | |
| 1963 | A four lane highway connecting Endsville and Atlantic City is proposed and narrowly defeated in order to keep public schooling. | |
| 1967 | Little League baseball is first organized but soon disbands because of a brawl of two rival fathers. | |
| 1974 | Population is 17,543. | |
| 1975 | Endsville locals lead a protest against the ending of the Vietnam War. | |
| 1979 | Our Lady of Peace Church burns in a mysterious fire. Authorities question an unnamed teenage boy who is reputedly released after Electro-shock treatment. | |
| 1980 | A local Alternative Religious Leader, Theron Burraway-Sterling, is arrested for attempting a human sacrifice. | |
| 1982 | First annual Apple-Bobbing contest held. Local resident Adam Kagan dies from complications of water inhalation. | |
| 1986 | McDonald's makes a landmark decision to stop using lard in cooking their French Fries. The other restaurant chains follow suit. | |
| 1987 | Seven lard factories go bankrupt. Two others are closed for health violations. | |
| 1988 | Lauren Lazare becomes the first Endsville resident to own a home computer, a Commodore 64. | |
| 1989 | Planes stop landing at Earhart airport. City officials insist that it is just due to "massive delays caused by crosswinds." | |
| 1992 | Population is 8,282. | |
| 1993 | The last of the lard factories, Donna Jeffrey's closes and all lard-related commerce in the town ceases. | |
| 1994 | The Town of Endsville wins a lawsuit against Rand-MacNally after being removed from all maps produced by the company. They are awarded $1000 in damages. | |
| 1995 | Reform party candidate H. Ross Perot almost stops in the town to campaign. | |
| 1996 | Flint, Michigan replaces Endsville as Least Desirable Place to live in the United States. | |
| 1997 | Local Endsville residents protest the release of serial killer Matthew Koss demanding that the "Eskimo Exterminator" be renamed "The Innuit Injurer." Koss later jumps bail and is still at large. | |
| 1998 | Playboy Magazine reports that upon suffering a heart attack Frank Sinatra says "This is it. I'm going to Endsville." The city diverts funding for a new school to have a huge parade and a 75 foot statue of Sinatra built using only animal by-products. Unfortuately, Ol' Blue Eyes dies before visiting. | |
| 1999 | Prince Victor, leader of the Knights of Yahweh, decides to move his home operation from Beverly Hills to just outside of Endsville citing the prevalence of potential recruits in the area. |
Last Tuesday's Population: 2648 7
