It is our devout and determined belief that things must be orderly and rules must be obeyed. Hence we present you a list of rules, commandments and general suggestions for behavior for the rest of your miserable days on this God-Forsaken planet. Keep in mind that these guidelines must be followed for admission to the ark of salvation.

1.

Whenever his name is uttered as such, the utilization of a gesture of honor shall be undertook. Said gesture shall consist of utilizing a hand motion not unsimilar to that known throughout the land as "Raise the Roof". By performing this action each member of the Divine Order of Faithful Servants efforts to lower themselves in the Eyes of God and Raises the Name of Caleb Solar through the proverbial roof. This effectively humbles our own meager countenances while appropriating Caleb a higher status.

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We at the Divine Order make it a requirement that each morning one of the group members rises before the rest and plays reveille.

Since we are without a trumpeter whose skills would allow us to follow tradition, we have developed a new routine. It involves singing a song. But it is not a regular song. This song is a rare combination of a powerful message, moving lyrics, a catchy tune and an eerily prophetic vision in regards to Quellish (Let it Come!)

This song is known by a trifecta of names. While many summer camps and Sunday school retreats allow the vernacular of "Rise and Shine" or "Children of the Lord." We scoff on those familial titles. Heretofore and in prepetuity the song in question shall be referred to exclusively as "The Arky Arky Song." Any violations of this rule shall be treated as such.

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Seeing as that one tawdry day not too long ago, Caleb observed a frightful sight. No less than four of our Holy Members, and you know who you were, were lined up outside the lavatory awaiting its use. While Caleb commended these wayward souls for not complaining about the paucity of lavatories in our compound...They were also derided for their lack of resourcefulness. In times of trouble, we must look outside the window for answers. And so Caleb asked us then and he asks us today, is "holding it in" really necessary when we are surrounded on all sides by shrubbery? Well in his wisdom he has nobly dictated that it is both efficient and good for the environment to relieve our bladders in the shrubs. To biblify the process, it shall henceforth be referred to as..."The tending of the sacred flora." As such, whenever bathroom habits are to be referred they shall be known as such.

The gaseous release shall not be called "Farting" or "Trouser Coughing" but instead "Hailing the Holy Spirit with a Clarion Call from Below."

Burping or belching shall be an "Emission of Intestinal Respect".

Masturbation, whether by hand or nocturnal brain waves, shall be "Praying to the Bishop and his Twins" for men and for Women: "Dipping in the Holy Water."

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• Chapstick - Not only does this magical elixir sooth parched lips, but it creates a layer of protection from UV rays and evil thoughts. The slathering of our lips with the nectar creates a sheath of invincibility that negativity can not penetrate. As such it is a pacifistic weapon against all tyranny and evil.
• Pudding - There's always room for pudding, or so the saying goes, as such. And if you want a seat on the Ark of Salvation, make room in your foot locker (yes, we actually have foot lockers to keep our stuff in, in addition to wearing their uniforms. Hail Foot Locker!). Pudding is not just a tasty treat, but it is in many ways the modern version of frankincense and myrrh. Were that you were confronted with a modern day Jesus do you think he would like incense, that foul smelling stuff they sell in Greenwich Village, the Valley of the Damned? Do you think he would want myrrh, whose best use is as a cure for flatulence? We doubt it. No, instead of those ancient gifts we believe that Modern Jesus would want some pudding. What on Earth would you do if you were stranded in the great beyond, just you and Jesus and he wanted pudding and you didn't have it? Hence our rule: pudding at all times. (Preferably Chocolate but Tapioca is acceptable in a pinch) (Or some kind of swirl). (No pudding pops though).

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One of the most important and unassailable rules that we have here at the Divine Order of Faithful Servants is this: As a group we must not be referred to as a cult.

There. It has been said, and that is the last time that that evil word shall be uttered in these pages. We understand that certain elements of this site and our group may seem to be in concurrence with said term, but we can assure you, we are very different.

Take all of the stereotypes that you may have in your head. The brainwashing, the mass suicides, the group weddings, the castration, the crucifix on the forehead, the aliens, the bad Country and Western music, the crazy talk and wipe them clear from your mind. Now that you have done that, we can explain exactly why.

By definition the c-word implies a failure. A c-word is small, a religion is large, a c-word is fringe, a religion is mainstream. And we think of ourselves as a religion.

When you ask Caleb what separates the Divine Order of Faithful Servants from other so-called Doomsday religions like Heaven's Gate and The True Way Church his answer speaks volumes.

"They were wrong, we are right."

Those few words say it all. Their simplicity and valor should bring tears to your eyes and chills to your spines.

We assure you this: when we are the only remaining humans in the world, we will not be thought of as failures. That is for sure.

We understand that we haven't quite grown in stature to the size of the Christians, the Jews or the Canadians, but we will.

So until then, there are many alternatives. We can be a "progressive group style religious sect"; "religious fringe group"; a "spiritual community" or our personal favorite, "Religious-Americans".

Regardless of what you do call us, don't call us a cult. (last time, for real)

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